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What's On Your Mind?

by Yolanda M. Johnson

How many times have we heard men ask, “What do women really want?” We’ve all heard it. Well men wonder no more. I took a poll, did some research and wrapped it up in a little experience and wallah! I know what women want! (for entertainment purposes only).

1. Women want a real man: Men when a woman says she wants a real man, don’t go getting your ego all in a bunch. She’s really not trying to attack your manhood. What she is trying to say is that she wants to be the damsel in distress sometimes and wants a strong and might, (confident and secure wouldn’t hurt either) man to come to her aid. No I’m not necessarily take care of her. But she shouldn’t have to take out the trash. She shouldn’t have to ever put gas in her car. She should never been on a ladder reaching a hard to reach spot. She should never feel like she can’t come to you if she needs a shoulder to cry on. Many men claim that women aren’t feminine anymore. What do you expect them to be when they have to take on the role of man and WOman of their household? If you don’t want women to act like men, stop putting them in that role and take YOUR rightful position. A real man is much more than a paycheck, stinky socks and a two-minute roll in the hay. A woman wants to be assured that her man will protect her at all cost. I always like to use my experience and wisdom in most everything I write, and I won’t stop here. I remember when being married. When I would hear a noise, I always ended up being the one to get up and check things out in the middle of the night, why my then husband would shout from the bedroom, “Is everything okay?” I wish some of you could have read my mind. Also, don’t talk about it, be about it. Women don’t want to constantly hear about what you WERE going to do or what you SHOULD have done. We want a man that is self assured and displays the ability to take care of his family. In the case of an unmarried couple, it’s not much different. I don’t want to date a guy who takes off running when we are walking down the street and a bully who wants to take my purse confronts us. Un uh!

2. Women want and honest man: This is nothing new. Women want an honest man. Women want a man who will tell her the truth about any and everything. Now don’t misconstrue wanting to hear the truth with not “liking” the truth. If we ask you “Do we look fat in this dress?” Don’t lie. Tell the truth. We may get our little feelings hurt, but truth is, we need to know. If some men would tell their women the truth how they look in some clothing, they would save their women some embarrassment. In a dating situation, tell the truth if you’re seeing other people. Let the woman decide whether or not she wants to be involved in such a situation. I, myself, am surprised at how many women put with or accept men who see or even sleep with several women at a time. Now I don’t condone it, I don’t like it, but she’s a grown ass woman, let her make the decision. A pet peeve of women is men who lie about what they have to try to impress them. They lie about cars, houses, jobs and bling, bling. You name it. Then men have the nerve to turn around and say, “I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga; but she ain’t messin’ with no broke *.*” That makes no sense at all. Enticing a woman with material things then faulting her when she falls for it. Men the truth is, a good majority of women don’t like flashy men and are not looking for men with money. In case you haven’t noticed, women are making their own money these days; they don’t need yours. If you’ve done something you know you’ve had no business doing, tell the truth. Always remember truth comes to light and you will eventually be found out. A woman needs to know that she can trust you no matter what. If she can trust you, she can entrust her heart to you. If she can entrust her deepest darkest secrets with you know and feel confident knowing that you won’t use those very things against her. And men if you are on the down low, you are not being honest. A woman needs to know if you are, because you are putting her in just as much danger as you are yourself. In research women who have found out that their men sleep with both them and men, choose to stay (I personally have no idea why) but there are some that do. Let the woman decide whether or not she wants to deal with that kind of drama. There is nothing funny about AIDS. (I know some of you are saying why is she being so hard on men) Don’t worry, the next issue we will switch places.

3. Women want Intimacy: Men often construe a woman’s signal for intimacy for sex. Don’t get it twisted, just because we want to be close to our man doesn’t mean we want to do the wild thing. Some of us are content with simple closeness. Sitting together, while she reads a book and you read the paper in silence speaks silence. A kiss, a hug or a rub can make your woman’s day and warm her spirit. Women like nice conversation. They like to talk about dreams, goals and aspirations. Showing interest in your woman is a form of intimacy. Doing something just because, or a thoughtful gesture. A glance from across a room can melt her heart. Working out together is a form of intimacy. You kill two birds with one stone. Fitness and Intimacy? Now that’s sexy. Reciting poetry is a nice gesture. Having dinner ready for her when she comes home from a hard days work is a great form of intimacy. Gentlemen, you’re not the only ones who love things of this nature. Paying attention to her shows her how much you love her. For example, in a conversation, she non-challantly tells you she went to her friends wedding and she was privy to daisies that she thought were absolutely beautiful. Imagine her surprise when you have some delivered to her office a week or two later.

4. Women want great sex: Yes women love intimacy, as stated previously but they also want mind-blowing sex. Okay, I know my boss (James) is going to kill me for this one, but let me ask you. Or rather let me ask those of you that have watched a porno movie a time or two in their life. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. You know you have at some point in your life. When you see a Black porno, a White porno or an Asian porno, what are the differences you see? Haven’t figured it out? Okay, well I’ll let you ponder that one for a while. Men when I say women want great sex, they want more than to be pounded. What are you trying to tear up? It isn’t that serious. Women like foreplay. Make the effort. Kiss her, hold her, look into her eyes, tell her how beautiful she is to you. Light a candle and for goodness sake do more than just pinch a nipple and think that it’s the only form of foreplay. Foreplay isn’t just performed during sex. Call her at work and talk sensually to her. Send her a sexy email. Leave her a dirty message on her voice mail on her cell phone. I don’t know why they are scared, but at appropriate times, women like it when men talk dirty. But just like men like a lady in the street and a freak in the bed, the same goes for women. We like a man in the street and a thug in the bed. Let me clarify that; a sensuous thug. A man should become familiar with every part of his woman’s body. He should know what spots make her respond and what turns her own. Even though we’ve come to the realization that men are visual creatures by nature, women love men who allow themselves to use all of their senses during sex, love making or the other; whatever it is you choose to call it. Throw some fruit, some chocolate, some scented candles, some blindfolds etc. Play some of her favorite music. May I make a recommendation? Anything by Gerald Levert, Howard Hewitt or Will Downing will put your woman in the mood. When we buy Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s, we want you to realize that it is not cheap lingerie; can we keep in on for just a little bit longer? Please? You can work around it for a little while. Women love men who start at the top of the head to the bottom of the feet. Some men have no clue that women find it sensual when their man washes her hair. If she has a weave, it has to be washed too, so don’t fret; wash it too. Just be extra careful, because she may be in between “tightening” appointments. Take a bubble bath together. Be creative and spontaneous. Take love making out of the bedroom outside of the bedroom and into other parts of the house. Try the patio or in the garage. Try on the hood of the car during a refreshing rain. When talking to both men and women, one of the biggest complaints about sex and relationships in general was that they start to get boring, stale and repetitious. In order to keep things fresh, you have to try new and different things. You must always be a realist and realize that things won’t always be perfect, but you must bounce back as soon as humanly possible and keep going.

5. Women want a man with a J-O-B. Women don’t want a broke man. Surely we like our men modest and not flashy, but we don’t want a broke man either. She wants a man with a job, a car and his own place. A lot of men asked me, when I did this poll, “What about those of us that are trying to do something and are just down on our luck?” I’m going to just keep it real for you. I think if you’re down on your luck and you are proactively working on getting back up and on your merry way, which is cool. But if you are down there and are content on staying there and you’re looking for handouts to get you by, then you have a problem and will probably always stay down. I’ve gone out once with a man who claimed to have either lost his wallet or left it at home. I didn’t get upset. I gave him a credit card, told him to order some desert while he was at it, excused myself to the bathroom, called my credit card company, reported it stolen and walked out the restaurant. If you can’t afford to take your woman out to dinner or lunch, make her dinner. Now some of us feel that if he can’t take us out to dinner than he needs to call us when he gets it together. But hey to each his or her own. Simply put, if you are broke, don’t try to get with a woman that you know requires you to have some ends.

6. Women love men who love their children. Another keeping it real situation. These days, if you are over thirty, you have children. If you are in no way interested in having a woman’s children as a part of your life, don’t get involved with a woman with children. It is not fair to those children to get attached to you only to find out you never really cared. When you go after a woman with children, you must realize that they are a package deal. I won’t lie and say that some women are not looking for daddy replacements for their children, because there are some. But not all women are looking for replacement fathers. However, if you two are in a committed relationship or more importantly marriage, you need to learn to love those children as if they were your own. If she has bad children, beat them just like they were your own.

7. Women love intelligent men. Not all women are looking for a bookworm, but they desire a man with a broader vocabulary that consists of words higher than a sixth grade level. Personally, I think intelligence in a man is one of the sexiest things. And a man that reads? Umph umph umph. We like men who are always interested in learning and don’t think they know it all. It's kind of like being fine but being modest about it. Everybody knows you’re fine, but you don’t have to make it know. The same goes with intelligence. A woman knows an intelligent man when she sees him. He doesn’t have to prove it by trying to show her up like he knows everything. It’s not a competition. Education is important to women and we feel it should be equally as important to men. It’s not so much wanting a man with two or three degrees gracing his wall, but a man that is always learning surpasses any college degree in my book. I have found that intelligent men are better communicators, which brings us to our next point.

8. Women love men who know how to effectively communicate or at least willing to learn. Without communication a relationship is sure to falter. Women are not mind readers. Sure it would be nice to get to a point where your woman knows you well enough to know you inside and out. But the reality is that it doesn’t work that way. People change, tastes and desires change. That needs to be communicated. If a woman starts of doing something you don’t like and you wait five years later to blow up, which would be unfair. You should have told her from day one you don’t like oatmeal. Sometimes we fail to communicate to save peace or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, but those feelings only fester and then resentment sets in. If there is something that you want your woman to do or to know, she won’t know unless you tell her. Communicating ones likes, dislikes, and expectations can save both your sanity in the long run.

9. Women love a spiritual man. No I didn’t say religious man. I said spiritual. A man that has a relationship with God is both admirable and sexy. A man without a relationship with God has no foundation or substance. A woman knows that a man who has a relationship with God always has hope. Women desire a man who goes to church and is active in it, but she realizes that this does not define his relationship with God. However, I’ve come to find that when you start to talk to some men about God, spirituality and religion they tend to get on the defensive. This is fine because this tells me who really has a relationship with God and who doesn’t. A man that has a relationship with God doesn’t feel the need to defend it. A man that knows the Bible is also an admirable one.

10. Women DON’T like men who play games. You know you are. I never for the life of me could understand why men play the games they play. Is all the drama really worth the punch line? I think not. A lot of you may remember the movie “Two Can Play That Game” with Vivica Fox and Mr. Foxy Chocolate himself, (Morris Chestnut). Someone tell me why all of that was necessary? Women don’t want me who play games because they tend to play with emotion. And we all know that playing with emotion is very, very dangerous. Be real about all that you do. If you want out of a relationship, leave. We can all do bad by ourselves. For some reason some men tend to think that women are stupid. It amazes me how men dealing with experienced, wise and seasoned women that they invented what they like to call game. Just like 2pac said, you got your name and your game from a woman. Yes in this day and age of technology, a lot of us are using our cell phones as the ultimate source of communication. But don’t think a woman is stupid when you tell her you don’t have a home phone and just use your cell phone number, yet you’re on the Internet 24/7. Or you only seem to talk to her when you’re at work or a certain time of the day. I could go on, but I won’t. I don’t want to be a dead horse. But men should give women more credit and themselves less, because you look rather silly. And if you ever had a chance with that woman, you pretty much blow your chances. Games are for children.

Greetings! Greetings and more Greetings. 2005 is almost over and the Holiday Season kicks off in one a little over a week. Ahh, the Holidays are joyous times for some and depressing for others. Make an effort to make sure someone you know who usually has a hard time during this season, is not alone. Make yourself available and help them get past whatever it is they may be dealing with.

As I sit here at 4:47am finishing up the newsletter and listening to my stereo, Kirk Franklin is singing "It's Gonna Be A Lovely Day!" Yessirre. Name it and claim it and it shall come to pass.

I did something new this week. I took the advice of a co-worker and cut out coupons in this past Sunday's paper. Albertson's had their double coupons going so I decided to try it. Hmph. I'm hooked. I bought $75 worth of groceries and only ended up paying $45 and walked out with a free 11 pound turkey. Don't laugh, those extra $30 can go in my gas tank.

I was excited when I received the proof of my upcoming novel "Circumstances" in the mail today. It is absolutely beautiful. If you will be in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Area on Friday, January 20, 2006 between 4pm and 6pm, stop by Sambuca's in Addison and support this starving artist. Each person that purchases a drink at the signing will receive a free cocktail, compliments of Sambuca.

In the next issue, our feature will be What Men Want and Wish Women Knew. Sistahs don't get mad, but I have to tell it like it is. Our last issue will be a spectacular one. Look for my conversation with AMAG's founder, James Lisbon and guests as we "banter" relationships from a male and a female prospective.

In this issue, I wrote about my experience at the club a couple of weeks ago. Look for "Err'body in Tha Club Gettin' Tipsy". It was an awful experience, but I really want to go let my hair down, so to speak and shake it fast in these size 10 jeans I just got in. Whatchall think? 2 more sizes to go. My reward to myself is to get me a Harley when I turn 40. That's not too far away. Vrooom! Vrooom!

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. As for me, I'll be sitting in front of a big screen somewhere, full of turkey, dressing, greens, corn on the cob, and banana pudding, looking at the day after Thanksgiving Day sale papers, watchin some FOOTBALL! Whew. That was a mouthful.

Until next time, take care, be happy, be merry, eat lots of turkey and be careful with the Christmas lights. If you're like me, I"ll be putting up my Christmas Decorations on Thanksgiving evening, after the turkey has digested.